No idea what to title this...

Do you guys still dream about the future? I mean, really dream. Honestly, it’s been awhile for me. I think maybe when I graduated from college I thought I had to face the facts. I was in the real world now. Friends don’t live in the same town. People are starting families. We’re all choosing different professions. I need to support myself. There’s a lot more burdens and responsibilities than I thought. Slowly, the things I really wanted started getting pushed further and further back until they are simply things of the past. Lately, something has changed though. I started thinking about my dream job and what that would look like. For the first time ever, I think I came up with it, or some vague idea of it. I want to train Christians. I want to run alongside people in their walk with Christ. I want to look into the ugliness and pain and issues of a person and point them to Christ. I want the liberty to speak truth into someone’s life that few will ever have. I want to, as Mandi put it, comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable. And then I want to see those people go out and minister to the world wherever and however they are called to.
My old roommate Mandi came into town yesterday, and we got to hang out for a long time. She just came out of The Forge, which is a year long discipleship program affiliated with Pine Cove. She talked to me about how she has changed and things she has learned, mostly things about community. She talked a lot about freedom and the love these guys and girls had for each other. The longer Mandi talked the more I sensed an ache growing in my heart that slowly turned into a pain I hadn’t felt in a long time. I felt the “I want that.” And I can’t remember the last time I felt that. It’s that mixture of realizing there’s more than what I’m experiencing and a slight hope that maybe I can get in on some of it.
I guess now I should clarify some things. There are two things I ache for desperately (when I let myself)- community: people who love and know each other well, call each other out, speak truth, challenge, and encourage one another. I understand that this is going to look different than anything else I’ve experienced. We all can’t drop our lives and live in one giant house together. I get that. I get that what community stands for, what I think the body of Christ stands for is so counter-cultural it seems like a hopeless cause. What I’m asking is “is it really a hopeless cause?” Second, I long to be changed. All day long I feel reminded of my certain issues, areas of bondage, whatever you want to call them, and I feel stuck. Truly, I’ve lost hope in many ways that the Lord can change me. As Mandi talked about how she had been changed, I began to remember that it’s possible. God changes us. He has changed me. I also realized that most times He had changed me involved people, interestingly enough.
So I’ve started dreaming. Dreaming about more freedom in my life, dreaming for people to run the race with. Of course, I have no idea what this would look like. And I have to say, I’m skeptical. I know that many of you will read this and think, “yes, but realistically this or that...” I’m thinking that too. All I see are obstacles. All I hear is everyone’s voice saying these things you want aren’t possible. I wonder how big am I allowed to dream? All I could think of in response to that was a different question: How big is your God?
I know this didn’t all make sense. It doesn’t make sense to me either if that makes you feel any better. I usually hate writing this stuff out too, but I need help. Truth is I want more. And I think I’m afraid to ask for more because I don’t want to be disappointed. I would really love to hear your thoughts.
Love,
Smash, Ash, Ash Bash, etc.